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~*Update 6/29/09*~ Cloe has made it and is doing great! Today he was evaluated and tons of X-Rays done to see where and what has to be operated on. His jaw was the worst and had to be wired shut today. It will be that way for 6-8 weeks. So he is now on a very soft medicated wet food for a long time. But he is eating and drinking just fine. The rest of the damage isn't worth operating on, it has to fix itself. It will just be a lengthy recovery... but hey, he's alive.. so how ever long it takes, at least he made it. We went to see him today, he looks amazing! Only a little bit more of swelling around his eyes and left side of his head. But everything else has gone down and back to normal. He's just still a bit sore and drugged up. If all goes as planned, he might be able to come home tomorrow afternoon. Of course he will be on medications and drugged up for a bit longer so the damage can fix itself without being extremely painful. He will also probably need to go back to be seen often to make sure everything is actually healing correctly. He will be an inside cat for the rest of his life.. whether he likes it or not, he will have to meant negative ties with the rest of our pack, cause he's going to be bunking with them for now on. For a while though, he will be on his own and seperated from everything so he can recover. But once things are better and he's back to himself, he will be intergrated with the rest of the house. We are all very happy to have him alive and safe. It was a close call and the thought of loosing him was very painful... so I am glad to be able to say he'll be coming home soon. I will update tomorrow and let you all know if he was able to come home.
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Well.. it's been both for me lately. Really bad, and pretty good. So to explain some of why I have been absent over the last week....(There is a good side, I promise)

The bad side... Kurt and I seperated. He left me and drove back up to NJ. Leaving me here to pick up the pieces of my life. It's been very hard. He left friday night (early saturday morning). I miss him! He was everything to me.... my love, my partner, my best friend. and now he is gone. I hardly get to talk to him. He said he would always be my best friend and maybe some day he'd return... but, his word hasn't been so solid once he got back home to NJ. He says he still loves me.. and I definitely still love him. I don't know how to heal from this... nor do I know what to believe anymore. I wonder what I did... he says nothing, that it was him.. but, really? I don't believe it very much. I feel like I've done wrong somewhere. I tried to be the best girlfriend I could be. That's all I could have done. But, now.. it's like half of me is saying "oh he will be back... just let him go and grow up... with time, he will notice how much he loves you and what he gave up" and that part also expects him to walk into the house and give me a hug. Every night at 10pm when he'd be getting home from work... I just look at the door and expect to see that loving face come into the living room. While the other part of me says "nope.. he is gone.. never coming back. You'll be lucky if he actually sticks with being your friend and the promises he made with it... Get over him and walk away.. this is just going to kill you if you don't". At this point, I don't know which side to believe. Neither, I am hoping, is 100% correct... I just don't know what to do. I miss him... I miss having someone here to love me, to protect and care for me. I didn't depend on him.. but, he made me whole.. and happy. My day could go horrible.. but once I got to see him... everything was ok. Now, I just feel empty and betrayed. For someone who swore they loved me... how can they put me in this much pain? For themselves? Not saying this hasn't been hard on him... but, in all fairness... he returned to a familar place, of which I have never even been to... so there are NO memories of me there. He can go to bed without my sent and without thinking of all the times I snuggled up in his arms and feel asleep feeling loved, safe, and happy. He doesn't have to go to the local stores and remember all the late nights when he wanted something from the stores.. both me and him half asleep going down the isles looking for things. The late night Wal-Mart runs, looking at the $5 movie pile. All the wed. and thursday night, random drives to random places... of which we hardly even got out and did anything.. just drove. His streets are not loaded with memories. Mine are. My whole town is haunted by them. My room, my living room, my bathroom, EVERYTHING in my house! My home is now my nightmare. I have to be smacked in the face with memories of him, his sent, his stuff he left him, his old room, the things he bought me. My whole life is haunted of it! He gets to enjoy being pampered by friends and family who've missed him. I am stuck here, no one has any time to deal with this... everyone's busy with life. So I am stuck to deal with this on my own. I just don't understand why this had to happen... I didn't choose this, I didn't want this, I never did anything dishonest to him... I am such a loyal, faithful person, I would have never done anything to hurt him. I deserve so much better then this. I deserve to be loved, I have so much love to give. I just hope that the heart I had before will be put back together and doesn't end up with more scars. If not Kurt, someone else is waiting to be loved unconditionaly, and if I can't be with Kurt, then I do want to love again and be loved the way I deserve. I just hope this wasn't too hard of a hit. Everything in me is trying to stand back up. Talk about being deserted.... I'm sorry to any who has ever had to feel this way.. If any of you have... how did you get through it?

If things weren't bad enough. About 2 hours before Kurt was supposed to be leaving... my mother comes in yelling for me and Kurt and crying. When she sees us running for her, she says that Cloe (our outside cat that adopted us a year and a half ago) was hit by a car. So me and Kurt go running down the road where my cat lays. Basically, someone hit my cat and ran.. left him there to die and be found on the side of the road in the morning by probably kids. He was in the middle of the road covered in blood, his facial bones smashed, choking on his blood and trying to breath. I sat down with him and tried to keep him calm. My vet is our neighbor, the other neighbors found him and came to us. They had already called our vet, who was rushing home. He was 20min. away when we got to the cat. My cat was dying in my arms... longest 20min of my life. Finally our vet gets there and tells us he is going to rush the cat to his office and see what he can do... but didn't think the cat would make it. It was a nightmare. Right after this, Kurt promised he'd stay the night and stay still we figured out what was going on with the cat and what was going to happen. Well, he picked up his cousin from the airport (he came to help him with the drive), he found out his cousin had work sunday. So he had to leave right then.... It was too much for me to handle, saying it was a nightmare is sugar coating it. It was Hell. I had to watch my cat dieing in my arms, then watch my love leave me and go down the drive way for the last time. Thankfully, Cloe did make it through the night, and is still alive. He is doing much better now, and tomorrow (monday) he is going to be evaluated for surgery. The damage is bad, but not impossible to survive from. Though, it is a miracle. His whole face is smashed, his jaw is broken in a few places, he had brain trama and 3 hematomas in his head(but luckly, the swelling went down and there is no permanent damage). He amazingly, might make it through this. If he does, he will probably be home by the 4th July. It will be a long recovery, and the sight of my cat that night on the road will forever haunt me... I am very thankful to still be able to go see him and pet his head and know he is still with us. I love my animals and can not stand them to be in any pain... I wish the person who did this was punished.. what goes around comes around.. I certainly can't wait for this to come around on him!

On the good side of life. My cat is alive. I am fostering cats again (so yes, more pictures of them soon). I also might be getting my own horse soon. I haven't been able to see McGraw for a while because stupid decided to stand in the ONE tiny small muddy part of his paddock (we live in FL... the storms have been horrible and it's impossible, even with grass paddocks, to keep them from getting at least one mud spot) So now he has a hoof infection that has to be treated. So, no riding for a while. Man he is not a bright horse! I wish I had the relief from life by riding. But soon enough, I might have my own horse. My brother is closing on a house with land soon and I am going to be able to put a horse on there. I will be adopting a rescue horse as I feel that if I am given this option in life and if I am lucky enough to own a horse... I need to give back, and nothing is better then saving a life. So I will be going to a rescue and getting my next horsey love from there. I look forward to it very much! I just need to get a job... easier said then done. I've been looking for months now... over 200 applications and resumes sent out. Another week will be spent driving out to places and filling out applications and god knows how many more weeks are yet to come of the same thing. Yay... Oh well, once I get one I can look forward to saving the money and going horse shopping. If I am blessed with this horse, I will be forever thankful. This will be a dream come true. So I hope it pulls through. I look forward to giving my love to a horse who needs it most. If things go as planned, I think I will be able to pick myself back up and get over the pain, the healing process will get finished and I can be myself again. Until then, I am a mess... but, once I find that light at the end of the tunnel, I will surely follow. Just hope it comes into my sight soon. I am sorry for so much distance.. life has been a rollar coaster. I am working on a painting that is almost done, and will be starting another soon. I really hope to get back into things again. I miss the peace that drawing and painting gave me. So, those will be coming soon, and then more pictures of course. Just please excuse me for a bit and for the amount of time I am taking to get back... I am just trying to find myself again. I will still be around as always... and hopefully posting more. I will also keep updating my journal and giving news of how Cloe is doing.


~*Alyssa*~